


On The Outside Looking In

by abeac



Category: Open Heart (Visual Novels)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Heartache, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-17 11:41:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29471121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abeac/pseuds/abeac
Summary: Ethan finds himself on the outside looking in watching the love of his life find happiness with another man.
Relationships: Bryce Lahela/Main Character (Open Heart), Ethan Ramsey/Main Character (Open Heart)
Kudos: 16





	On The Outside Looking In

**Author's Note:**

> Sometimes I like breaking my own heart and this is the result of such activity.

The hospital halls chattered with excitement. Ethan knew why, but instead of joining in the hubbub, he attempted to occupy his scattered thoughts and conflicting feelings. He knew he should feel some amount of enthusiasm but he couldn’t muster it. 

His shift ended hours ago yet he remained at work with his head buried in patient charts and his thoughts wandering. He was incapable of sharing the elation every other Edenbrook staff member felt and that made him feel even worse. He knew his apathatism was egocentric. 

Ethan internally berated himself for his selfish thoughts and inability to focus. He’d written dozens of acclaimed medical journal articles yet he had been rereading the same sentence in his patient’s chart for the past two hours. He’d overseen hundreds of groundbreaking studies and treated thousands of patients yet today he couldn’t care less about those under his care.

A battle swarmed inside him and he finally admitted defeat after futilely fighting with himself for hours. He knew he wouldn’t be able to prioritize anything today, he knew he wouldn’t be productive and the time he’d wasted proved that. He found himself subconsciously wandering into unchartered territory and he became acutely aware of the dangerous edge he teetered near. 

He stared through the panelled glass into the hospital room with glossy eyes. She laid in the bed swarmed by visitors. The room was filled with on and off-duty medical staff and a buzz of well wishes and cooes could be heard from well beyond the hallway. Sienna gushed about the baby’s round cheeks, Elijah attempted to play peek-a-boo with the infant and Jackie mused about enabling arguably reckless behaviour once the wee one was a teenager. 

Ethan’s attention was kept by the baby for mere seconds, his eyes then shifted to her. She wore the trademark brilliant smile that Ethan adored. Her eyes crinkled around their edges and Ethan was reminded of all the times he looked into them and swore he could see her soul. The dimples Ethan used to smother with kisses were present on her cheeks. Her eyes twinkled with merriment and drooped with exhaustion. She smiled at every visitor who crammed into the crowded room despite the draining labour she had endured for hours. Ethan could tell she was tired, he recognized the signs far too well, it reminded him of the times she would come home after a double-shift.

She would stumble into his apartment and nearly topple over while kicking her shoes off. She would smile at him and wander over for a gentle kiss before wandering into the bathroom and brushing her teeth. She would stare at herself in the mirror with slow blinks and drool often trailed down her chin as she struggled to stay awake. Ethan always set her favourite set of pyjamas on her side of the bed and she would nearly fall, again, while stripping from her scrubs and changing into her sleepwear. Then, she would fall asleep within moments of laying down. Ethan would check on her periodically before kissing her temple and leaving for his own shift. He'd commute to work wondering how anyone could fall into a deep slumber so quickly. No second-guessing, no consuming thoughts. Just exhaustion and peace. 

Ethan's trip down memory lane faltered as his gaze moved briefly to the man who held her hand firmly. Bryce’s grin was wide, his fingers intertwined with hers while he cracked jokes with their friends. Bryce’s eyes occasionally drifted back to her with concern and endearment. Ethan knew as well as anyone that Bryce Lahela was one of Edenbrook’s most promising surgeons, his skill and determination to succeed were indisputable and had propelled his career far despite his young age. A small part of Ethan resented Bryce. He wasn’t jealous of the surgeon’s talent, risk-taking predisposition or his seemingly natural popularity. Rather, Ethan envied Bryce because he was the one she chose to love and share her life with. 

She was a bright, compassionate and driven woman who was charming and lovable. She was effortlessly lively and vibrant, even at times where one would expect it to be impossible. She was determined, intelligent and witty. She was what everyone wanted to be and she possessed every trait a good doctor should. Not a single person could find a reason to dislike her, she was arguably Edenbrook’s most well-liked physician. Interns flock to her for guidance, nurses support her like no other, fellow doctors always request her for consults and patients love her.

The immense adoration people have for her doesn’t surprise Ethan. He was fortunate enough to spend countless hours with her, both professionally and personally. He witnessed her selflessness, unwavering loyalty and sound reassurances firsthand. Without her, he never would’ve reconnected with his father or found peace when his mother unexpectedly returned.

Ethan found himself questioning how things ended up like this. Years ago she had kissed him good morning and good night. She had gone to him when she needed help. She had shared her darkest insecurities and deepest secrets with him. She even confessed her love for him, yet he foolishly dismissed her time and time again. His clashing feelings, excuses and hypocritical actions eventually chased her away just like every other person in Ethan’s life. 

The months following their separation tortured Ethan. Their daily encounters halted when she resigned from the diagnostics team. He would catch occasional glimpses of her in the hospital corridors, but she always escaped into another hallway to avoid him. She never responded to his late-night, alcohol-fueled message and phone calls. He would lay awake in bed with heartache that made him wonder if he was grieving a lost relationship or experiencing a cardiac arrest. 

Ethan spent that time hating every bit of himself and growing angry at her for costing him one of his only trusted companions. He was irritated that she made him choose between their reputations and their feelings. He was vexed that she gave up on him. But most of all, he was livid with himself for not doing more. She had etched her initials into his heart and claimed it as hers for eternity.

He’d hoped he would eventually accept the new reality he found himself in but solace never came. Ethan realized people lied when they said it gets easier, the statement was a falsehood meant to give others hope. Life for Ethan only got harder when she left. He had no one to confide in, no one who made his heart swell with love, no one to kiss him goodnight, no one to make him optimistic. 

Then, six months later, Ethan saw them kiss one morning before going their separate ways. Every single day he inadvertently watched him. He observed their discreet smiles when they passed in the hallways, he overheard their shameless flirtation, he noticed their bond growing rapidly.

Ethan was bitter and every single person he encountered knew it. He became even less approachable and lashed out at others more frequently. His neutral expression morphed into a clenched jaw, knitted eyebrows, stiff shoulders and tight lips. His voice became gruff and hoarse. He already felt incredibly lonely but his apparent change in demeanour isolated him even further.

He would lay awake at night staring up at his ceiling reminiscing on all the nights he took for granted. He poured himself a coffee in the morning while remembering all the mornings they spent eating breakfast together basking in the after-glow. He reviewed cases independently while imagining her sitting next to him while biting her lip deep in concentration reading alongside him. He ate his dinner alone at his dining table and thought back to the evenings they cooked together. 

The worst of his agony came two years later when Ethan saw the diamond ring on her finger. Bile rose into his throat as his stomach twisted sharply and his lung deflated as his heart rate soared. He quickly exited the room before locking himself in the nearest supply closet he could find and letting the tears blaze a fiery trail down his cheeks. 

He knew he deserved the pain he felt, he was the only person to blame for ruining his chance at happiness but he couldn’t stop the aggrieved feelings that crossed his mind. He was miserable that she’d moved on and he was angry that Bryce had what he desperately longed for. Most of all, he was livid at himself for these self-centred, heedless feelings. He was infuriated that he couldn’t even pretend to be happy for her. 

Ethan nearly punched Bryce when the young surgeon casually invited him to their wedding. Ethan surprised himself when he was able to politely decline but he could feel his throat tightening with emotion. The two got married quickly, Ethan heard whisperings about the event in the following days. People commented on how beautiful the venue was, they said the food was delicious and the celebration was high-spirited. Curiosity lured Ethan into an excruciating trap one sleepless night and Ethan found himself signing into the social media account he’d made years ago with her. He’d added only her as a contact but hadn’t checked the platform since. The first image that greeted his slightly blurred vision was of her looking breathtaking in a stunning white dress.

That night, Ethan fell into a restless slumber dreaming about marrying her. He envisioned her standing opposite of him at the altar surrounded by only a few of their closest friends. He imagined her signature smile that always made his heart swell and he pictured the twinkle in her eyes. He basked in brief joy for the first time in years but reality came crashing down when he woke that morning.

Mere months later Ethan noted odd changes in her behaviour. He noticed the fatigue she was desperately trying to hide from others. He observed that she had stopped drinking coffee and he witnessed the slight gag motion she made whenever she smelt it. A gut-wrenching realization made him nearly sob on the spot.

He watched as her body changed throughout her pregnancy. Her breasts enlarged, her stomach grew, her face puffed slightly. He overheard her talking to Sienna about her ultrasound and, despite his better judgement, he used his credentials to look at her ultrasound sonograms. He wasn’t an obstetrician, but he knew from research that her pregnancy was progressing well and the baby was exceptionally healthy.

Ethan reined his wandering thoughts back to the present as he found himself on the outside looking in. His cruel self-torture game continued as he wondered what their life would’ve been like. Ethan didn’t think about marriage or children, he didn’t have a strong desire for such commitments but he would’ve done anything for her. If she wanted to get married then he would’ve proposed. If she wanted children then he wouldn’t hesitate to have them with her. If she wanted to relocate to another hospital or even another state then he would’ve followed her in a heartbeat. He would’ve, and still would, do anything for her. 

“They had a boy,” a voice said beside him. Ethan flinched slightly but reverted to his stoic self quickly. He’d been so consumed in his thoughts that he hadn’t noticed the petite, brown-haired woman standing near him.

“Everyone was convinced they were having a girl.” Sienna chuckled. Ethan didn’t respond, instead, he continued staring at the woman he still, despite having not spoken to in years, loves. He knew they were having a boy the moment he looked at the ultrasound.

“You know, it’s okay to be curious. It’s only natural.” Sienna shrugged, she cautiously watched Ethan for a reaction but his front didn’t waver.

“I’m not curious, I was checking to make sure Naveen doesn’t need to hire a new internist. Labour and delivery, even with today's medicine, has numerous complications and risks." Ethan said with a calm, firm voice. The steadiness of his tone surprised him, he half-expected to choke out sobs.

“If that were true then you would’ve left ten minutes ago, instead you’re desperately trying to peek through the blinds to catch a glimpse of her.” Sienna quipped.

Ethan didn’t know what to say, they both knew Sienna was right. Ethan was worried about her all day, he wanted to see for himself that her delivery went well and that she was getting the best care. Having confirmed both, he took a deep breath, turned on his heel and disappeared down the hall without saying anything more to Sienna. He wasn’t sure where he was going but he knew he had to get away. He needed to leave the happiness that surrounded him yet didn’t encompass him.

That night, Tobias Carrick stared at Ethan with a perplexed gaze. Questions swarmed through his mind but he knew better than to ask any of them. Ethan was on his fifth shot of whiskey and showed no sign of slowing. Tobias wondered when he should cut the man off for the night, he had exchanged multiple looks with the bartender who was likely considering the same thing.

“You know, you may as well just hook the alcohol into an IV,” Tobias chuckled in a futile attempt to lighten the heavy air around them. Ethan’s lips twitched briefly but didn’t give way.

Tobias’ feelings about the situation he currently found himself in were, to say the least, conflicting. He knew Ethan was mourning the loss of a dream yet his friend’s hardship was the very thing that drove them to reconnect after years of tension.

“I just keep wondering what if,” Ethan sighed heavily, it was the first thing he’d said in nearly half an hour. “what if I told her I loved her? Would that have changed anything?” The man swirled the nearly empty glass in his hand and kept his eyes focused on the wooden bar top. 

“Of course it would have, E.” Tobias responded hesitantly. He knew what Ethan needed to hear wasn’t what he wanted to hear.

“Hell, you two would’ve been a fierce diagnostics couple. You’d probably be at home right now with a few kids and a dog, but that’s not reality. Reality is you’re trying to fill the void in your heart by filling your stomach with alcohol.” Tobias continued. Ethan remained silent as he considered his friend’s words. 

“E, what would she think if she saw you right now? Tobias sighed exasperatedly. 

“She wouldn’t recognize me. She’d tell me to stop wallowing in self-pity and she’d say I’m wasting my potential.” Ethan smiled weakly as his thoughts drifted to her. She was a complete sweetheart and her tough-love approach was reserved only for him.

“All these years regretting shit and feeling guilty hasn’t and won’t change anything. You fucked up then but you need to learn from it instead of moping over it.” Tobias’ voice had increased in volume, enough to draw attention from some nearby patrons who nodded along in agreement.

“Were you ever going to tell me?” Ethan asked suddenly and for the first time that night, he looked Tobias in the eye. 

“No,” Tobias affirmed. “I didn’t think you would handle it well given our history.”

“How is she?”

“She’s incredible, one of the best diagnosticians I’ve worked with,” Tobias said with a resolute tone. “She’s detailed-oriented, focused and dedicated to her patients.”

“I’m glad.” Ethan smiled weakly but it didn’t reach his eyes. “You know, I was afraid I would derail her reputation and ruin her career but it’s clear I was misguided. Now she has to go to Mass Kenmore to do what she loves when she could’ve been doing it at Edenbrook all along.”

“That doesn’t matter because either way she gets to do what she loves,” Tobias assured Ethan. Ethan didn’t respond, instead, he gestured to the bartender for another drink and Tobias didn’t try to interfere. 

The sun blinded Ethan as he woke the following morning. His throat felt dry, his head throbbed, his joints ached and he felt nauseous. He didn’t remember getting home but he deduced that he didn’t manage his return home on his own based on the glass of water and painkillers on his nightstand. He grasped his phone to check the time and winced at the bright light, he’d somehow still woken up in time for his shift.

He felt horrible as he limped into Edenbrook wearing the darkest sunglasses he could find, a wrinkled lab coat and a sour expression. Three cups of coffee, two glasses of water and three painkillers were no match for his foul mood. He lumbered into his office still wearing his sunglasses and was greeted by Naveen who sat in Ethan’s office chair. Naveen eyed his protege with suspicion, worry and knowingness. Ethan didn’t need to admit that the recent birth was weighing on his mind, Naveen was already very well aware. The Chief could tell Ethan was not himself with one fleeting glance.

“Good morning, Dr. Ramsey,” Naveen smirked slightly. “I assume you had your full eight hours of rest, correct?” Naveen continued with a cheeky grin and a quirked eyebrow.

“Naveen, I haven’t had eight hours of sleep in about fifteen years,” Ethan grumbled as he rubbed his temples.

“As a doctor, you should know the health repercussions of that,” Naveen responded, his lightheartedness had dissipated and his concern grew. “Anyway, I need you to supervise the interns today while they do their rounds.” Ethan’s head snapped to stare at Naveen with wide eyes and an open mouth. The man prepared to protest but Naveen gave him a serious stare.

“As you know, supervising interns is normally Dr. Lahela’s responsibility but she’s a bit preoccupied. Dr. Mirani and Dr. Delarosa are coincidentally both ill today. Dr. Trinh is off, Dr. Greene just finished a double-shift and Dr. Varma can’t be trusted to not kill every single one of our interns.” Naveen continued. “Besides, I’m your boss and I happen to know that this task will challenge you and hopefully you’ll learn something from the experience.”

Ethan passively listened to each intern as they made their morning rounds. They were all too shy to approach him and he found himself fixing inexcusable, lazy mistakes. He couldn’t understand why anyone would willingly supervise such inexperienced people and he was adamant that no one could possibly enjoy the duty. His thoughts drifted to her. She loved training and guiding interns, she saved their asses and expected nothing in return. She took each intern under her wing and somehow fostered their seemingly non-existent confidence. 

Her commitment and diligence were partly the reason why Naveen selected her to join the internship selection committee. Naveen went even further and chose her to oversee intern training and development. It was a role she excelled in while somehow managing her patients and being a member of Mass Kenmore’s diagnostics team. Edenbrook’s interns had noticeably improved since she began managing their training, they were now more adaptable, assured and capable. Edenbrook quickly became the first choice of many medical school graduates as a result. 

Ethan became painfully aware of where he had mindlessly wandered to. Suddenly, his eyes fixed on a familiar brown-haired, tan man approaching him who immediately grinned when he saw Ethan. Ethan mentally cursed himself and began creating an excuse to avoid a conversation but Bryce had different ideas.

“Hey, Dr. Ramsey!” Bryce exclaimed as he neared the diagnostician. 

“Oh, hello, Dr. Lahela.” Ethan struggled to form coherent thoughts as panic settled deep inside him.

“What brings you to the maternity ward? Are you here to visit?” Bryce inquired. Ethan wondered if Bryce knew the extent of his relationship with her. Either Bryce was clueless or felt secure enough in his relationship to invite his wife’s former flame into their hospital room.

“I was just going for a walk, I needed a break from the interns,” Ethan explained, he didn’t sound convincing but Bryce seemed to accept the answer.

“Well, in that case, you might as well meet the little guy while you’re here.” Bryce smiled widely and Ethan recognized pride on his face. Ethan felt a pang of jealousy twinge inside him, but he couldn’t blame Bryce. Ethan knew he would be proud if he was in the young surgeon’s position. An optimistic career, an incredible wife and an adorable addition. Bryce had everything a person could dream. He had everything Ethan could dream of.

Ethan wanted to protest the idea but Bryce was already ushering him down the hall and into one of the rooms. Ethan’s eyes roamed for her and both disappointment and relief simultaneously settled in his chest as he realized she wasn’t present.

A nurse was hovering over the cradle checking the baby’s vitals. She smiled when she saw Bryce but her smile faltered and surprise masked her features when she saw Ethan.

“Hi Marlene, Dr. Ramsey’s here to meet the fella.”

“He’s good to go, vitals are still great. Dr. Varma borrowed a wheelchair and stole your wife. She pumped before they left in case he gets hungry, if he starts fussing just come ask us for the bottle.” The nurse explained. Her eyes widened slightly as her gaze drifted back to Ethan. “I know storing breast milk for patients isn’t standard, but we make exceptions for our own and I could tell she needed to get out of this room.” She hesitantly elaborated. Ethan waved his hand dismissively and the woman visibly relaxed. She exited the room as Bryce approached the nearby cradle, he lifted the infant effortlessly and an immediate smile crossed his face as he stared down at the newborn.

“He’s a healthy guy, weighs almost eight pounds and he’s in the ninety-ninth percentile for length. I bet he’ll be a tall fella like me.” Bryce beamed. “I haven’t even introduced you properly! Dr. Ethan Ramsey, meet Bobby. Bobby, meet Dr. Ethan Ramsey.” Ethan’s breath caught in his throat as memories flooded his brain.

Bobby had greeted every Edenbrook visitor and staff member every single day. He was undoubtedly Edenbrook’s best security guard and he died a hero years ago. He was the reason she survived.

“She still has nightmares about the whole thing, and I know she’s grateful for the sacrifice Bobby made. I know I am.” Bryce murmured. “It just seemed right.” Silence encompassed the room as Bryce gently rocked his son and Ethan watched with equal parts awe and covetous. 

“Do you want to hold him?” Bryce asked as he tore his gaze from his son’s small face and shifted his eyes to Ethan’s, the father was already shifting the baby into Ethan’s arms before he could think of a response.

Ethan gulped as he gazed at the child lying in his arms, the boy’s body twitched slightly at the sudden transfer but he remained asleep. Ethan could never understand why people think newborns are cute, they all look alike and are off-puttingly featureless but her son was the exception. Ethan was astonished at the striking resemblance the boy had to his mother, they had the same thick hair and identical colourings, his nose an exact copy of hers. 

Ethan delicately pressed his finger against the baby’s hand and the newborn responded by quickly coiling his tiny fingers around Ethan’s. Ethan’s heart warmed at the adorable gesture, the little boy was a sight that made Ethan want to cry.

He wanted to cry because of the boy’s uncanny similarity to his mother who Ethan loved deeply. He wanted to cry because he would never get to experience fatherhood. He wanted to cry because some part of him was mourning the children he didn’t have, the children he could have had and the children he would never have. He wanted to cry because his entire being wanted this with her.

“Congratulations, Dr. Lahela.”


End file.
